A Nice Cup of Tea & a Sit Down

I spent some of my afternoon today watching the Nadal -v- Kiefer match on NBC (I was rooting for Nadal – what a good looking guy!). Both players displayed impeccable sportsmanship; the game itself was fast-paced and exciting – everything a world class tennis match at Wimbledon should be. Nadal won the first game, but really, only just. The second game started at about 8:30pm London time, and of course, the anticipation was that bad light would stop play if the match became too drawn out. Halfway through the 1^st set of the second game, the NBC commentator announced for the benefit of all those that had just tuned in to watch the women’s golf, that it would be delayed. He said we were staying with this tennis match until the end of day’s play. I settled down to enjoy the remainder of the match, despite commercial breaks every 4 minutes.

Imagine my horror when some five minutes later, the commentator announced before the end of the 1^st set that this was the point that they would be leaving Wimbledon and going straight over to the women’s golf tournament. He added in an almost afterthought sort of way, that those of us who wished to continue to watch Wimbledon tennis, should switch to ESPN2 where play continues. “It’s a good job we have satellite”, I thought to myself whilst hunting the channels for ESPN2. Finally, I found it, but I couldn’t believe my eyes! Yes, there was a tennis match being shown, but not the one that I had been watching!

I cannot tell you how pissed off I am, especially when I learn from the BBC website that Nadal beat Kiefer 7-6 6-2 6-3 some 35 minutes or so after NBC decided that women’s golf was the most critical thing on earth.

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Did you ever notice that certain things only happen in the movies, but never happen in real life? For example:

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paper clip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family has planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when the said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away; you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighborhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

28. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one (this is known as Stallone’s Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to parties).

40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on; that happens in real life too!).

41. It doesn’t matter what Interstate you travel, you’re the only one on it.

42. The Highway Patrol officer who stops a car on a deserted road outside of town always gets killed.

43. With the exception of people living in trailers, everyone has the same door bell.

44.  No matter how many messages you have on your answering machine, you listen only to the first one.

45.  During a thunderstorm the lights will flicker but ultimately stay on, whereas the phone always goes out.

46. No matter what you doing, you never hear anyone come in the front door, nor do you hear anyone coming up the stairs.

47. Sex is always over very quickly and you never need to take your trousers off.

48. At home, everyone argues while eating dinner.

49. The basement is always dry.

50. Everyone has an abundance of flammable liquid and old rags on hand.

51. It doesn’t matter what minor road accident you may have; your car will always fly up into the air, turn over, and then crash to the ground.   Once you get out of the vehicle it will burst into flames and explode.   You will maybe have a bruise or two from the accident itself, but you will never be injured in the explosion, no matter how near to the car you are.

52. The fire department turn up only after the building has burnt down.

53. The train never stops after an accident on a level crossing.

54. The Greyhound bus always drops off passengers at deserted crossroads.

55. You never need a telephone directory, as you have every telephone number in the country memorized.

56. In hospitals, the lab always gets blamed for the physician’s lack of knowledge.

57.  TV remotes always click when you press any of the buttons.

58. You always manage to guess the password to a government computer system on the second attempt.

59. Rubbing together the two wires that are always hanging out of the bottom of the steering column always starts the car, releases the steering lock and deactivates the alarm.   If you are ever stopped whilst driving a car stolen this way, the police officer never asks you where the car keys are.

60. In westerns, if you are going on a three day ride to visit someplace, you never take any food for the horse.

61. The bar is always about to close when you get there.

62. Lawyers never leave their offices until 11pm.

63. Computers always make a noise when data loads to the screen.

64. In fine dining restaurants, as soon as the desert is served, the girl always starts an argument and then storms out of the restaurant; leaving the guy to pick up the tab and wondering what the hell he did wrong.

65. Teenagers’ bedrooms always have an easy and safe route to and from the ground by way of the bedroom window.

66. If you have a pool in your back yard, sooner or later you are going to find a dead body floating in it.

67. Parents get called in to see the principal at least twice a week.

68. Cars are only ever filled up at attended gas stations.

69. In motels, there are always strange banging noises coming from the room next door.

70. If you ever fall into a river, ocean, pool, etc., fully clothed; climbing out and rubbing your head with a towel will instantly dry your clothes.

71. When you are going on vacation, there is no limit to the amount of clothing and accessories you can fit into a small weekend case.

72. The elevator is always on your floor unless you are being chased by an assassin; in which case you always waste valuable time by frantically pressing the elevator call button before deciding to use the stairs.

73. Cabs will never stop for you if you yell “Taxi!” but they will always stop for you if you whistle.

74. Hotels never swipe your credit card when you check in.

75. There are never any computers in classrooms.

76. People living in rural areas only ever eat cold meat and mashed potatoes for dinner.

76. It doesn’t matter how dusty the road is when you ride your horse and buggy to church on Sunday, your black suit always looks immaculate.

77. Someone always arrives late to church but only during the sermon.

78. The car with no hub caps or wheel trims will always end up being totaled in a crash of some sort.

79. At a funeral, there is always someone watching the burial service while hiding behind a tree.

80. In every cemetery at midnight, there is a teenage boy urinating on a grave.

81. You never put anything back into the fridge once you have taken it out.

82. Before slurping some juice out of the carton, you have to hold the fridge door open for a very long time and stare at the light bulb.

83. If you introduce yourself to new neighbors on the day that they move in, they will stalk you from that moment on.

84. There are no adolescent Jews.   Young male Jews are always lawyers or physicians.   All other Jews are old.

85. All black males have criminal tendencies and connections; unless, they are a high ranking military officer.   In which case, he will be the most honest man alive.

86. Nobody ever talks or passes the time of day with the mail carrier.

87. You always have a quarter for the phone, and, no matter how badly damaged the phone looks it always works.

88. At a payphone, you always run out of money before you have made your point.

89. Whenever you drink a 6-pack of beer, you always wake up the next morning surrounded by a lot more than six empty beer bottles.

90. There is always cold pizza in a box under the bed.

91. Your car always does an impression of a diesel engine just before it breaks down.

92. Fire fighters always have anger management issues when they are at home.

93. Laundry always comes out of the tumble drier already ironed.

94. The dry cleaners are always closed when you get there.

95. Nobody ever shops in Wal-Mart.

96. Your credit card is always declined.

97. Everyone finds a bag full of money at least once during their lifetime.

98. There are always three claps of thunder for every one flash of lightening.

99. Teenage boys never masturbate.

100. If you take your eyes off of your young children for just a second, they will set fire to the house.

101. When you tell the girl “Whatever you do, don’t open the door”; she will open the door.

102. People who eat a quart of ice-cream every night never gain weight.

103. A 16” pizza barely feeds two adults and a small child.

104. Nobody minds anyone going into their fridge and drinking all their beer.

105. It doesn’t matter how many people in a household take a shower in the morning, there is always plenty of hot water.

105. In the morning, you sit at the breakfast table and as soon as breakfast is served you leave without eating any.

106. The school bus always stops at the bottom of your drive, sounds the horn and then waits patiently while your kids spend another ten minutes arguing and getting ready.

107. You never have to queue at a fast-food drive-thru.   You drive in, place your order and by the time you have stopped at the next window, your meal is already bagged up and ready to go.

108. Neon signs always make an intermittent buzzing sound and are never fully lit.

109. A broken fan belt always takes 3 days to replace.

110. County sheriffs are always of retirement age.

111. When you are fleeing from Indians in a horse drawn wagon, the wheel always comes off.

112. Whenever you snap a twig, the snap always sounds as though you have just broken your femur.

113. People in New York only drink alcohol if they are sitting on a park bench and the bottle is wrapped in a brown paper bag.

114. Whenever elderly people travel by plane, the husband always dies.

115. During any nautical or aeronautical disaster, more time is spend on the radio yelling “Mayday” than is actually spent giving the known co-ordinates of the vessel/plane.

116. The radio always conks out after you have been yelling “Mayday” into it fifteen times in succession.

117. At sea; nobody ever sees distress flares.

118. You have to shock someone three times with the defibrillator before it works.

119. In the ER, that whole bunch of blood tests that the physician orders, always includes a stat test for syphilis.

120. The best worker on a cattle ranch is always a murderer on the run.

121. Everyone has really bad TV reception.

122. Go fishing by yourself or with your son, and you will have a great time.   Go fishing with a bunch of friends and everyone gets murdered.

123. Every revolver or automatic pistol can fire off at least 20 rounds before needing to be reloaded.

124. Every stagecoach with “Wells Fargo” written on it always gets robbed.

125. Murderers are always Catholic men who confess their sins just before they commit the next murder.

126. If you put a car in park and leave the engine running, the gear stick will shift to “drive” all by itself once you have got out of the car.

127. You always get fired on Christmas Eve.

128. The screen door always creaks.

129. Nobody leaves for work until the newspaper arrives and even then, only after they have read it in its entirety.

130. It doesn’t matter how severe your money problems are, getting a job waiting tables solves everything.

 

 

 

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Today, I went into town to do the monthly shop where I stock up on the items such a laundry detergent, etc., as it is so much cheaper in larger stores than the little local shops that we have nearby.

Today, my first port of call was Target.   I rather like Target; it just seems so much more civilized than Wal-Mart; and, I fancy that some of their items are of better quality.   The prices are comparable to Wal-Mart, but like everything, between the two, some things are cheaper and some are more expensive.   I would hazard a guess that if you took the same shopping list to both stores, your total cart would cost about the same, albeit the individual items may vary somewhat.

Anyway, I pulled into Target and got out of my car and started to go towards the entrance.   In front of me were a mixed couple who I would say was in their mid to late forties – not old by any means.   They seemed to be having an argument of some sort:

Wife:    “You parked too far away from the entrance.”

Husband:    “I parked as near as I possibly could; I really couldn’t park any closer.”

Wife:    “Well, it is still too far away, you should have parked closer.”

Husband:    “But there weren’t any spaces closer than that one we are in.”

Wife:    “You’ve always got an excuse for everything; you still parked too far away from the entrance.”

This conversation continued until the couple went inside; however, once inside, the woman’s mood didn’t improve any.   She had a very loud voice and as I was about to discover, her entire visit to Target would be very public indeed:

Wife:    “Look at that, there’s nobody here to help.   They should have someone here to hand a cart to me when I walk in, instead of me having to get it myself.”

Husband:    “Perhaps they are a little short staffed today; it is a public holiday after all.”

Wife:    “Short staffed?   They just don’t want to pay anyone to do the job; I am surprised that the place isn’t full of Mexicans.   They come here and take American jobs and don’t mind being paid peanuts to do it.”

Husband:    “Well, they don’t seem to have any Mexicans working here today.   The staff all appear to be very American to me.”

Wife:    “You just wait until next time we come; it’ll be full of Mexicans, you’ll see.”

At this point, I headed in the opposite direction to this couple; I wanted to put as much distance as I could between us.   However, her very loud voice meant that pretty much wherever you went in the store, you could hear her complaining about something:

Wife:    “Typical, you come all this way to get the shampoo that you want and then they don’t have it.”

Husband:    “We did come for more a little more than just shampoo; perhaps we could get something else that is similar?”

Wife:    “Similar!   I didn’t come all this way for similar; I came here to get what I wanted and they don’t have it.”

Husband:    “Well, if they don’t have it, we can’t really buy it.   I am sure that they will have it in stock again soon though.”

Wife:    “Well that’s no good to me; what am I supposed to wash my hair with while we are waiting for these people to get it back in stock?”

Husband:    “What about that shampoo that you used to use?   Perhaps we could get that.”

Wife:    “I suppose I am going to have to.”

At this point, the woman picks up a popular brand of shampoo and starts reading the back of the bottle.

Wife:    “I’m not buying this; you read the label and the English part about how to use it is down the bottom.   You’d think that as we are in America, the English part would be at the top; but no, it is down the bottom because at the top, they have the directions in Spanish for them Mexicans.”

Husband:    “It’s shampoo, you probably used it the same way you do any shampoo.”

Wife:    “I don’t care; I am not spending good money so that they can suck up to the Mexicans.”

In the end, the couple finished their shopping and headed to the checkout.   There were not many people in the store and so when they got there, there were two checkouts open.   Certainly, when I got to the checkout, I was next behind the person currently being checked out.

Wife:   “Oh my God; they’ve only got two check-outs open; now we’ll have to queue.   They should have at least four open; but of course, I suppose they don’t want to pay anyone and so I have to be inconvenienced.”

Husband:    “I am sure that by the time we have put our stuff on the conveyor it’ll be our turn.”

Wife:    “God, you make me sick; when are you going to start living in the real world.   Once we’ve put our stuff on the conveyor we’ll still be queuing and all because they don’t want to pay more than two people to check everybody out.”

As the husband had suggested, once their goods were on the conveyor belt, they got checked out without further ado.   However, that is not the end of it.   Having been wished a nice day but the very nice lady on the checkout there was more complaining:

Wife:    “It used to be that someone would take your stuff out to the car for you; I guess those days are over?”

Husband:    “Well, we have pushed the cart this far, I am sure that another few feet won’t hurt us.”

Wife:    “That’s it, you just roll over and play dead; I’ve known 2-year-olds with more backbone that you.   Now we’ll have to push this thing all the way to the car, and of course, like I said, you parked too far from the entrance.   Just look how far we have to go; and look, there are all these empty parking spaces right by the door – I told you that you should have parked closer…..”

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All through the year, people make crude attempts at humor by poking fun at people they perceive to be at a lower level of the evolutionary scale than themselves.   For the most part, their peers will laugh and try to come up with an even more spiteful attempt at humor at someone else's expense.   The truth is though, that poking fun at people who are less fortunate than ourselves is not at all funny; it is mean, it is spiteful, and it is terribly unkind.

There are people who have made a successful and lucrative career out of being mean in this way, especially singling out a group of people referred to as "Rednecks".   Rednecks are portrayed as people who are bereft fiscally, morally, and educationally.    It may well be that this group of people did not have the same opportunities as others, especially if they are living and working in the more rural and impoverished areas of this country.   However, despite the jokes and digs from others, rednecks tend to make the best of what they have, even if it does seem unorthodox to those who are not in their position.

Rednecks are not the only people singled out as the butt of crude humor, mean spirited comments, and discrimination (both subtle and overt).   In every city, town, and village, there will be a family or group of people that will be perceived to be different from everyone else.   Whatever that difference is; be it race, color, creed, religion, disability, sex, sexual orientation, age, education, illness, social customs, etc.; it does not legitimize everyone else treating them in ways that are unfair or inferior to the way that they treat themselves.

Whatever our talents and whatever our social standing; there is not one of us who is better than anybody else.   This means that it doesn't matter whether you bought your garden wind-chime from Saks 5th Avenue, or you made a wind-chime by threading some empty beer cans onto a piece of string.   Either one does not make you a better or worse person than the other.

Similarly, there is not any one of us who is more deserving of positive or negative things than anyone else.   We are all human beings, and we all have the capacity to do right and wrong.   We all have the capacity to be kind or mean.   We all have the capacity to love or hate.   With this in mind, what really counts is what we choose to do.   Clearly at the moment, many people are choosing meanness, hate, and wrongdoing.   What a wonderful thing it would be if everyone chose love, kindness, and doing that which is right as their resolution for the upcoming new year of 2008.

At this Christmas time, I would ask each of you who are reading this to remember the words of Jesus Christ: "I give you a new commandment: love one another; as I have loved you, so you are to love one another."

We all of us, no matter what facade we choose to show to the world; have in our hearts kindness and humility; surely it is time to start showing that?

Wherever your life leads you this Christmas, may your God go with you, and may the spirit of the season bring you peace, love, harmony, and understanding.

 

 

 

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When I was growing up, it wasn’t unusual for children to babysit their siblings, especially on a Saturday night.   I first started babysitting when I was 8-years-old, and my sister at the time, was just 5-years-old. 

Before my parents left for an evening at the pub, they always drilled me on what to do in various situations.   The golden rule was never to answer the front door.   The second rule was that if the telephone rang, I was to tell any caller, even a person known to me, that mummy was out and daddy was in the bath.   I could take a message but nothing more.   Rule number three was, no using the chip pan.   Rule number four was, that if there was an emergency, I should ring the pub and ask to speak to my dad.   “What happens if the person who answers doesn’t know who you are?” I asked my father.   My father replied: “Everyone knows me, and anyone who doesn’t, wants to know me – you just ask for me and don’t worry about anything else.”   Of course, I looked forward to my weekly “chore” as I got to stay up until really late.   As an 8-year-old there is nothing better than boasting to your friends in school how you stay up until gone midnight every Saturday night.

As the years rolled on, I started to become an antsy teenager, and my mother took to drinking far more than was good for two people, let alone one.   At this time, things had progressed T.V. wise and there was actually something known as “The Midnight Movie” on television late on Saturday nights.   My parents invariably arrived home just about half-way through the movie and typically this is what happened:

Dad:       “What you watching then?”

Me:        “The midnight movie.”

Dad:       “I know that, I mean what’s the film called?”

Me:        “The Man Who Knew too Much”

Dad:       “The Man Who Knew too Much?”

Me:        “Yes.”

Dad:       “Funny title for a film isn’t it?”

Me:        “Not really?”

Dad:       “What do you mean, not really?”

Me:        “Not really!”

Dad:       “What are you talking about; how can a man know too much; most men don’t know enough.”

Mum:      “What, like you, you mean?”

Dad:       “I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to him.”

Me:        “Dad, I don’t know why they called it The Man Who Knew Too Much; they obviously thought it was a good title for a  film.”

Dad:       “What’ it about then?”

Me:        “Espionage and kidnapping.”

Dad:       “Well, there’s not a lot of that going on these days; they should put something on more modern.”

Mum:    “You should write a letter to the TV company; when they stop laughing they might just reply.”

Dad:       “I told you, I wasn’t talking to you!”

Dad:       “Why is that guy lying on the ground?”

Me:        “Because he is dead.”

Dad:       “Why’s he dead?”

Me:        “Because he got shot.”

Dad:       “Why’d he get shot?”

Me:        “Because he wouldn’t shut up while the film was on.”

Dad:       “You cocky little sod!  I don’t think you should be watching films like this especially as late as this.”

Mum:    “If he’s a cocky little sod, he must get it from you.”

Dad:       “Don’t start!”

Mum:    “If you were having another drink down the pub, you wouldn’t care what he was watching or how late it was.   In fact, you wouldn’t care if he was alive or dead!”

Dad:       “Don’t you say that, it’s not true!” (Door opens, in walks my sister)

Sister:   “I heard shouting and it woke me up.”

Mum:    “That’s it, now you’ve woken her up with your shouting.

Dad:       “My shouting; me?   You are the one shouting, not me.”

Mum:    “Lies, lies, lies; you just don’t know that you are shouting; I bet  you’ve woken the neighbours up by now.   I am expecting a policeman to come knocking at that door any minute.”

This would go on for what seemed like an eternity, but eventually, it all moved upstairs and eventually, things quieted down once my mother fell asleep.   By now of course, the film was over and I would sigh and think to myself that this was yet another film I never got to see the end of.   Just then, I’d hear the staircase creek.   The living room door would open just wide enough for my father to put his head through.   “What happened in the end?” he asked.   Of course I didn’t know and so I would always make something up – “His wife ripped him off,” I replied.   “I know just how he feels – if there was any justice in the world she would have been the one who got kidnapped,” my father returned.   “What would we do if mum got kidnapped?” I asked.   “We’d move”, he said without hesitation.  He then smiled, looked at me and said: “There’s a brown ale in my coat pocket; why don’t you have it – goodnight son.”

My father never told me that he loved me.   However, at times like this, I know that he did.

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Paris Hilton is to be released from jail next Tuesday.   She will have served 24 days of a 45 day sentence.   Authorities state that the reason for her early release is on account of crowded jail conditions and good behavior.   Excuse me, but were we not told before she started her sentence, that she would be incarcerated in a special facility reserved exclusively for celebrities?   Who are all these mystery celebrities who are now crowding out the celebrity jail?   Moreover, why hasn't anyone noticed their absence from celebrity society?

In another interesting twist, it emerges that when Paris was released early last time on account of an undisclosed medical condition; the medical condition was in fact claustrophobia.   Now if we accept Paris's claim that she suffers from claustrophobia, how is it that when she was arrested originally, that she was found inside something as small and confining as a car? 

There's is something not quite kosher going on here.

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